Cheapskates, Mail Thieves, and Comedians, OH MY!
by Bluebaby555
Summary: Kramer enlists Newman’s help when he discovers that someone has been stealing his mail. George’s new girlfriend is just as cheap as he is and Jerry is strangely jealous and oddly protective of Elaine when he meets her boyfriend.


_**SUMMARY:**__ Kramer enlists Newman's help when he discovers that someone has been stealing his mail and stealing certain catalogues. Georges' new girlfriend is just as cheap as he is and Jerry is strangely jealous and oddly protective of Elaine when he meets her new boyfriend who is a comedian just like he is._

_**DISCLAIMER:**__I own nothing except the characters I made up. Nothing from Seinfeld belongs to me at all so please don't sue because I literally have NOTHING, well unless you want the neat glow in the dark yo-yo I got in the fifth grade. _

Jerry was pouring himself a glass of orange juice when his apartment door flung open and Kramer skidded in. He began walking around the small living room tearing apart various piles of magazines and books looking for something?

"Kramer, what are you doing?" Jerry asked as he dodged the flying sports section of Sunday's newspaper.

"My mail Jerry, my mail! Someone's been taking it." He stopped the mess he was making and waggled his eyebrows at Jerry suspiciously.

"What makes you think I stole it!?"

"I don't know Jerry but you can't really trust anyone now can you?"

"Look Kramer I didn't steal your mail okay? Why don't you just ask Newman what's going on he is a mailman if I'm not mistaken."

Kramer made a loud popping noise and pointed at Jerry. "That's why you're my friend Jerry, you're always thinking." In a few long strides he made his way back to the door and opened it just in time for Elaine to walk in.

"Hey…."

"No time to talk little lady there's business to be taken care of." Kramer interrupted her as he left the apartment.

"What was that all about?" Elaine asked as she dropped her bag down onto the couch and went over to the cabinet to grab a glass for herself.

"Eh I don't know I guess someone is stealing Kramer's mail?"

"Who would want Kramer's mail?" She said pouring some juice into the glass.

"I honestly have no idea." Jerry said in all seriousness.

Elaine rolled her eyes and shook her head as she plopped down onto the couch.

"Hey you want to see a move tonight or something?"

"Oh I can't I have a date."

"Really?" Jerry said, his voice raising an octave.

"Yeah you remember that guy Donnie I told you about last week? Well the other night I went down to the club to see his show and he asked me out on a date." She smiled triumphantly before taking a sip of her orange juice.

"Club?" Jerry asked taking a seat next to her on the couch.

"Yeah he's a comedian. Oh and he's so funny. He did this hilarious bit about…."

"Wait a minute he's a comedian?"

"Yeah, what's the matter with that?"

"Is he funnier than me?"

Elaine rolled her eyes again and let out an annoyed sigh. "Jerry I can't answer that you two are like apples and oranges."

"Apples and oranges? Where both comedians and its comedy how can we be apples and oranges?"

"I don't Jerry he's just much racier than you are."

"Oh what so I'm not racy is that what you're telling me?" Jerry asked getting offended.

"Alright I have to get going." She grabbed her bag and headed for the door desperately wanting to discontinue the current conversation. She opened the door and paused for a moment before leaving. "Why don't you just go see a movie with George tonight?"

"Eh I can't he's going out with that new woman you know the one he met in the express line at the grocery store the other day."

"Oh yeah. Okay well I'll see you later Jer."

"I can be racy." Jerry said to himself and crossed his arms across his chest with a huffy pout on his face once she was gone.

Newman lay fast asleep in his Lazy-Boy recliner with the television set flicking in front of him and half eaten bag of potato chips resting on his stomach. A large shadow fell over him and he let out a nervous snort in his sleep.

"Newman!!!!"

Newman let out a loud scream and the chips went flying everywhere. He put his hand over his heart and slowed his breathing down when he saw that it was only Kramer standing over him.

"Oh it's just you."

"Of course it's me; listen Newman I need you now more than ever buddy. Someone has been stealing my mail and I'm enlisting your help."

Newman's face contorted into a look of rage and he jumped up from his recliner and clenched his fists in a fury. "No man has the right to mess with the mail because when you mess with the mail you mess with me. This, my, friend is an outrage!"

"Great so then you'll help me out."

"Oh-ho-ho Kramer this repugnant thief will rue the day he messed with us!"

A large triumphant grin spread across Kramer's face as the wheels in his head began turning.

"So ah what looks good to you Candice?" George Costanza asked the petite brunette who was sitting opposite from him in his regular booth at Monks.

"I don't know everything just seems so expensive." Candice said scanning the small menu one more time.

"Well it's on me so don't worry about it." George informed her.

"You know what how about we just get out of here and go downtown to this little Vietnamese restaurant. The guy who owns it owes me a huge favor and we can get an incredible meal for free."

Georges' eyes lit up as he stared over at Candice admiringly. "I knew there was something special about you when I saw you use that double coupon on the laundry detergent in the marker the other day!"

Candice flashed him an appreciative smile in return and grabbed her purse as she and George left Monks to go get their free meal.

_Elaine's date, Jerry meets Donnie, Kramer and Newman's plan, and more bonding over cheapness coming soon to a computer near you. _


End file.
